It is one thing to look back at your years and regret something you did, then learn from it, but it is an entirely different feeling to look back and have serious regret that you cannot move forward from. Don't get me wrong, I am totally grateful for the life I have now and I would not give it up for anything. I suppose it is a natural experience to realize the potential I had when I was younger and wish I could have applied it better. And wishing on something that cannot happen is a waste of time.
I am convinced that depression can alter a persons life. I am glad there is medication that helps balance out those crazy chemicals in my body so that I can function without being suspicious of my relationships or trying to dig myself out of a funk. A funk that has locked me away with stacks of food and movies; a funk that I cannot recall where it came from or why it is there. A funk that paralyzes me and I haven't the slightest idea what it is I can do to get myself out of it. It just happens... comes and goes and comes back again. Depressing, right?
My 20 year old mindset is a blur. Each of you could easily roll your eyes and think, "I know what you mean." I made some pretty radical decisions and they have consumed me forever. It doesn't matter what they were, but I feel like I have done my very best to move forward. What I struggle most with is the people who were involved in my life during that time and cannot move forward to see me as who I am today. I am doing amazing compared to how I was doing ten years ago and I cannot completely understand why these people cannot move forward with me. Are they afraid to trust me or afraid I will disappoint them again? It sucks because of all the people I want to enjoy today with I seem to have really diminished those relationships into basic conversations about the weather. It makes me want to shout at them (in a non-crazy way) but I feel like they wouldn't hear me.
I realize I cannot fix every relationship I have ever been in and that these failed relationships are not necessarily my fault. I also do not expect that fixing one problem will cure every single situation as life continues onward. I do have faith in myself and in others. I will continue to deal with the demons and focus on what is important in my life. If anything, I just want to embrace the happy I feel now and show those who only knew me as crazy that it didn't last and that I am truly very sorry. Sometimes I feel like I have to make up for what I did. It probably sounds dumb, but I feel like people could have gotten a better deal if they had known me now rather than ten years ago. I would have embraced life in such a different way if only I knew the happiness I know now.
Depression is a tricky thing. I was convinced I did not need medication and that talking it out would help me. But talking it out would have meant that I knew what was happening. I was so lost and so unhappy. I was going through that awkward transition of becoming an independent adult with no where to go and no motivations/inspirations. I had very few resources and so did my surrounding friends and family. I think they just had to hang on for the ride. The worry and concern they went through is merely unbearable for me to think about sometimes. I try to put myself in their shoes and imagine what I would have done and I'm honestly not sure I would have gotten involved.
I did not choose to be depressed. I believe that it is a chemical imbalance. I do believe I have discovered a medication that helps me deal with my depression. It does not solve all of my problems, but I do have such better clarity in my mind. So why am I still dealing with the consequences of a crazy person? It isn't my fault that I was crazy. Why can't there be a happy ending? It is such a satisfying feeling knowing that my depression has been decompressed from my body so why can't those who have been there and cared share in this happiness?
I suppose we all have our limits. Some of you are at capacity and I guess I don't blame you. This generation was not raised to believe that depression is a symptom that can be treated. It was frowned upon, a sign of weakness and a lack of intelligence. I felt like I was viewed as someone who was over exaggerated or dramatic. I had some extreme emotions and was a very passionate person. This experience has taught me to be patient with people no matter what their first impression is. It has made me want to understand my symptoms and filter out what it is that bothers me. I would have never admitted my depression out loud, which is ironic because it was very clear that I had some serious issues. I am more hopeful now than ever that I can prove and convince those who doubt me now of how I can control my depression. It all sounds very school yard, having to impress all the other boys and girls that I have something worth sharing, but it is worth doing because it is the least I can do for those who were there for me in the beginning. My good outweighs my faults and I am determined to prove it.
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