I was just like any teenager that embarrassed easily. There was this one time when my parents took me to a video store (for those of you "youngin's" a video store is where people go and rent movies and at that time it was VHS and Laser discs). My dad was being the big joker he is and kept asking me if I "know that person" each time we passed people. He would laugh and nudge me and I would turn 50 shades of red.
When we got into the video store I broke away and started looking down a row of videos. From the corner of my eye I could see him looking at some videos just a few feet from me so I decided this was a great opportunity to really let him have it. So I inched closer to him, sidestepping and once I got close enough I kicked the back of his leg. "Oh my God!" he said and I looked up to see that it was NOT my dad. My eyes grew large and so did my embarrassment. My dad came around the corner and asked what happened. I apologized and apologized to the man, but for every step I moved closer he took a step back. My dad was doing whatever he could to keep from laughing... until we left of course.
I wish this was the only time that I had kicked someone playfully thinking it was someone I knew, but it's not.
Such is life.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
What's your excuse? I can answer that. How much time do you have?
retrieved from: https://www.facebook.com/MariaMKang
If I have time to blog about my excuses, I have time to exercise and eat right. So why don't I? I'm sure we all have our reasons/excuses. Believe me, I daydream of what I would look like and how I would feel if I wasn't the way I am today. I'll even admit that there are days when I pull a self-righteous big girl confidence and "accept" myself for who I am, but that fades because it's a huge burden.
Maria Kang lives in a city where I used to live so whenever I see her workouts with other mom's I recognize the location. It makes me think of how I could have had the opportunity to do the same then as I've wanted to do for so many years. I actually enjoy exercising. I love the way I feel when I've accomplished that movement and my body feels rejuvenated. I used to play tennis and I used to jog. Now I'm so overweight I feel like it would be so embarrassing if I went out there and even tried jogging... not that me jogging would go very far because I'm out of shape.
I've heard that it takes 21 days to really change a bad habit. Well, I've had this habit of eating my feelings for about twenty years so it seems a big overwhelming to even change it for more than a day let alone 21 of them. I think my mentality is I've seen myself successful and go back to my bad habits. I don't want take a magical pill and make it just go away... I want to work for it and change my lifestyle. I want the full support of my husband and my kiddo without them leading me into temptation and to fight me with fire if I even begin to break. Addiction is not easy to overcome and there are some people who never do overcome it. Life is too short to even have that mindset. So what is my excuse?
I wouldn't call it an excuse. It's my insecurities. Yes, I'm human and have insecurities. I can be the most inspirational cheerleader for anyone out there, but for me to be selfish and focus on my own health makes me cringe. I lose faith in myself quickly. I suppose another outlook is that I've been this way for so long that I am unsure of who I am without it. I mean, I know I am a mom and a wife, etc. But who am I when I have energy and more time spent not vegging on the couch. I think people with addiction find focus on something to replace what it is that weighs them down. I don't foresee anything that does that for me right now.
This is an everyday struggle for me. I recognize the opportunity, but I'm too chicken to take it on. I wish someone would kick the fear right out of me because I know I am capable of doing this. I don't even know what it means to be healthy anymore.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
I'm sorry if I was crazy at you.
It is one thing to look back at your years and regret something you did, then learn from it, but it is an entirely different feeling to look back and have serious regret that you cannot move forward from. Don't get me wrong, I am totally grateful for the life I have now and I would not give it up for anything. I suppose it is a natural experience to realize the potential I had when I was younger and wish I could have applied it better. And wishing on something that cannot happen is a waste of time.
I am convinced that depression can alter a persons life. I am glad there is medication that helps balance out those crazy chemicals in my body so that I can function without being suspicious of my relationships or trying to dig myself out of a funk. A funk that has locked me away with stacks of food and movies; a funk that I cannot recall where it came from or why it is there. A funk that paralyzes me and I haven't the slightest idea what it is I can do to get myself out of it. It just happens... comes and goes and comes back again. Depressing, right?
My 20 year old mindset is a blur. Each of you could easily roll your eyes and think, "I know what you mean." I made some pretty radical decisions and they have consumed me forever. It doesn't matter what they were, but I feel like I have done my very best to move forward. What I struggle most with is the people who were involved in my life during that time and cannot move forward to see me as who I am today. I am doing amazing compared to how I was doing ten years ago and I cannot completely understand why these people cannot move forward with me. Are they afraid to trust me or afraid I will disappoint them again? It sucks because of all the people I want to enjoy today with I seem to have really diminished those relationships into basic conversations about the weather. It makes me want to shout at them (in a non-crazy way) but I feel like they wouldn't hear me.
I realize I cannot fix every relationship I have ever been in and that these failed relationships are not necessarily my fault. I also do not expect that fixing one problem will cure every single situation as life continues onward. I do have faith in myself and in others. I will continue to deal with the demons and focus on what is important in my life. If anything, I just want to embrace the happy I feel now and show those who only knew me as crazy that it didn't last and that I am truly very sorry. Sometimes I feel like I have to make up for what I did. It probably sounds dumb, but I feel like people could have gotten a better deal if they had known me now rather than ten years ago. I would have embraced life in such a different way if only I knew the happiness I know now.
Depression is a tricky thing. I was convinced I did not need medication and that talking it out would help me. But talking it out would have meant that I knew what was happening. I was so lost and so unhappy. I was going through that awkward transition of becoming an independent adult with no where to go and no motivations/inspirations. I had very few resources and so did my surrounding friends and family. I think they just had to hang on for the ride. The worry and concern they went through is merely unbearable for me to think about sometimes. I try to put myself in their shoes and imagine what I would have done and I'm honestly not sure I would have gotten involved.
I did not choose to be depressed. I believe that it is a chemical imbalance. I do believe I have discovered a medication that helps me deal with my depression. It does not solve all of my problems, but I do have such better clarity in my mind. So why am I still dealing with the consequences of a crazy person? It isn't my fault that I was crazy. Why can't there be a happy ending? It is such a satisfying feeling knowing that my depression has been decompressed from my body so why can't those who have been there and cared share in this happiness?
I suppose we all have our limits. Some of you are at capacity and I guess I don't blame you. This generation was not raised to believe that depression is a symptom that can be treated. It was frowned upon, a sign of weakness and a lack of intelligence. I felt like I was viewed as someone who was over exaggerated or dramatic. I had some extreme emotions and was a very passionate person. This experience has taught me to be patient with people no matter what their first impression is. It has made me want to understand my symptoms and filter out what it is that bothers me. I would have never admitted my depression out loud, which is ironic because it was very clear that I had some serious issues. I am more hopeful now than ever that I can prove and convince those who doubt me now of how I can control my depression. It all sounds very school yard, having to impress all the other boys and girls that I have something worth sharing, but it is worth doing because it is the least I can do for those who were there for me in the beginning. My good outweighs my faults and I am determined to prove it.
I am convinced that depression can alter a persons life. I am glad there is medication that helps balance out those crazy chemicals in my body so that I can function without being suspicious of my relationships or trying to dig myself out of a funk. A funk that has locked me away with stacks of food and movies; a funk that I cannot recall where it came from or why it is there. A funk that paralyzes me and I haven't the slightest idea what it is I can do to get myself out of it. It just happens... comes and goes and comes back again. Depressing, right?
My 20 year old mindset is a blur. Each of you could easily roll your eyes and think, "I know what you mean." I made some pretty radical decisions and they have consumed me forever. It doesn't matter what they were, but I feel like I have done my very best to move forward. What I struggle most with is the people who were involved in my life during that time and cannot move forward to see me as who I am today. I am doing amazing compared to how I was doing ten years ago and I cannot completely understand why these people cannot move forward with me. Are they afraid to trust me or afraid I will disappoint them again? It sucks because of all the people I want to enjoy today with I seem to have really diminished those relationships into basic conversations about the weather. It makes me want to shout at them (in a non-crazy way) but I feel like they wouldn't hear me.
I realize I cannot fix every relationship I have ever been in and that these failed relationships are not necessarily my fault. I also do not expect that fixing one problem will cure every single situation as life continues onward. I do have faith in myself and in others. I will continue to deal with the demons and focus on what is important in my life. If anything, I just want to embrace the happy I feel now and show those who only knew me as crazy that it didn't last and that I am truly very sorry. Sometimes I feel like I have to make up for what I did. It probably sounds dumb, but I feel like people could have gotten a better deal if they had known me now rather than ten years ago. I would have embraced life in such a different way if only I knew the happiness I know now.
Depression is a tricky thing. I was convinced I did not need medication and that talking it out would help me. But talking it out would have meant that I knew what was happening. I was so lost and so unhappy. I was going through that awkward transition of becoming an independent adult with no where to go and no motivations/inspirations. I had very few resources and so did my surrounding friends and family. I think they just had to hang on for the ride. The worry and concern they went through is merely unbearable for me to think about sometimes. I try to put myself in their shoes and imagine what I would have done and I'm honestly not sure I would have gotten involved.
I did not choose to be depressed. I believe that it is a chemical imbalance. I do believe I have discovered a medication that helps me deal with my depression. It does not solve all of my problems, but I do have such better clarity in my mind. So why am I still dealing with the consequences of a crazy person? It isn't my fault that I was crazy. Why can't there be a happy ending? It is such a satisfying feeling knowing that my depression has been decompressed from my body so why can't those who have been there and cared share in this happiness?
I suppose we all have our limits. Some of you are at capacity and I guess I don't blame you. This generation was not raised to believe that depression is a symptom that can be treated. It was frowned upon, a sign of weakness and a lack of intelligence. I felt like I was viewed as someone who was over exaggerated or dramatic. I had some extreme emotions and was a very passionate person. This experience has taught me to be patient with people no matter what their first impression is. It has made me want to understand my symptoms and filter out what it is that bothers me. I would have never admitted my depression out loud, which is ironic because it was very clear that I had some serious issues. I am more hopeful now than ever that I can prove and convince those who doubt me now of how I can control my depression. It all sounds very school yard, having to impress all the other boys and girls that I have something worth sharing, but it is worth doing because it is the least I can do for those who were there for me in the beginning. My good outweighs my faults and I am determined to prove it.
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